Yesterday, I shared this photo and caption on instagram:
"My heart is bursting as we drive to our meetings to schedule the home studies for our adoption. It's like the butterflies I had on the car ride to our first Dr's appointment with C. Praying for baby boys health & strength for his birth momma where ever, whoever they are"
To say I was excited was the understatement of the year, but along with that excitement came an overwhelming case of anxiety. I've been waiting so long to start this adoption process. The Lord put the desire in my heart long before I even knew Josh and since having C and experiencing the awesomeness that is being a mother it's only intensified that longing. I mean just stop and think about children growing up without loving parents. No one to give them the time of day or simply tell them they love them. If it doesn't wreck you... well, pray about it.
On one hand I'm so ready and excited to start the journey and on the other I'm afraid and terrified. It was like Satan was all "hey lets totally discourage Katie today" once I stepped back in the house after the meeting. C was a different C. The kind of C that turns baby evil due to teething and growing spurts. The kid was clingy, tired, fussy, unsoothable (yep, made that word up), and down right just naughty allllllll day. It really had me second guessing the timing of our adoption. I mean, are we crazy? C will probably be just a tiny bit over a year when we get this new boy. Can I handle two small infants?
I know times ahead will be nothing short of chaotic. Times of me pulling my hair our or the little ones doing that for me. Times of broken budgets and ends not quite meeting due to a grocery bill fit to feed a small army of rugrats. Times of bickering and arguing about toy trucks or who was playing with the red crayon first. Times of feeling like I failed at disciplining my children or pointing them to Jesus.
but in a very weird way, I long for those times. I crave them actually. I want a quiver full of youngins. I know this desire is from the Lord so I know that in those times, he will be my strength. Fears start to set in when dreaming up a life full of babies. Fears I'll fail. Fears I won't lead them to Jesus. Fears they won't abide in him or die to themselves. But... he is enough I say to myself over and over and over. He will guide me. He will lead me. He is sovereign. He is enough.
This all may sound so foreign to some of you. But I serve a God who is so passionate about me. He cares for the small and big things because in those small and big things in my life, He receives glory. After some time in Ruth and reading Psalms 31 in my daily prayer time (stop what you are doing and read it right now... yes, I'm talking exactly to you) and reading over some of the adoption paperwork the peace that comes from only Him began to reign again over my anxious heart.
"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord"- Psalm 31: 24
So until the time of glorious chaos and babies outnumbering me by the hand full comes, I'll sit here gratefully with my one- even on the fussy days- and ask the Lord to prepare my heart for our second. Take that Satan. Your means to discourage only fired my passion to be obedient. booyah.
&& a big thanks to all you mommas who are years ahead of me and share about your struggles. The Lord is using you in my life and I'm grateful to say the least.