12/18/13

a bump in the adoption road & mixed emotions

I really didn't plan on sharing any of this. In fact, I once thought we just move on, never mention it, and let all my emotions from it just fade into nothingness. Turns out though, I really suck at letting emotions fade into nothingness. I'm not sure I even know what that means, or if that can even be done. We got an email from our adoption agency last week. It was the standard monthly update, but this time it spoke of a risky custody situation with a little boy who could potentially be adopted. My heart jumped when I read it. He was 11 months old. Just a few months shy of C. My mind immediately went to thoughts of the two of them growing up being lifelong friends. Without saying a word, I forwarded the email to husband. He responded "i'm interested". With that, I texted our social worker and she called us with more info. It was a lot risker than we realized. Still, we felt we needed to learn just as much as we could about his situation so we scheduled a meeting that happened yesterday. I spent the entire weekend trying to ground my hopes & think about the reality of it all. I was on the fence emotionally, mentally, and spiritually about fostering to adopt this little boy. My heart screamed yes and my selfishness screamed no. Anxiety ran rampant in my heart. The Lord brought so much conviction to my selfish heart over the weekend. He reminded me we are not on this adoption journey for ourselves, we are on it for the child. It's not about our selfish desires. It's about living out the gospel. On Monday I spent the entire day dreaming up a life of 4. Having another baby by Christmas. All the things we would need to get quickly and how we would afford to get them. Waking up Tuesday, I didn't have the peace I thought I felt. And neither did Josh. Still, we went to the meeting. While sitting through the meeting and learning about all the risks, I fought to hold back tears. I knew this was the Lord shutting the door. My uncle is a prestigious adoption lawyer in our area &I can't discuss all the details but he called it a significantly risky situation. A part of me yearned to still take that risk, anyways. I didn't understand why I would be so resistant, then the Lord bring conviction and I be so repentant with an open mind and heart only for Him to shut the door. We left the meeting, got in the car, looked at each other and said "no". We had to put C first. I know you all would better understand why we had to say no, but I just can't share the details. We both didn't have any peace from the Lord & we could sense Him closing the door.  I was devastated. I expressed to Josh I was sick of losing children. First our miscarriage and now this baby (even though he was technically never ours, it still felt like I lost the chance of having him). I battled the entire day being broken hearted. We talked more, prayed more and woke up this morning still feeling like this wasn't the Lord's plan for us or our family. I'm thankful that little boy is currently in a loving, Godly home until custody issues are dealt with. Regardless of our decision, he will still have a family, whether that's his biological family or another adoptive family. Praise the Lord! I keep having to remind myself that maybe the reason the Lord told us no is so that He could say yes to another family. I'm just really ready for our next son to enter our lives & it sucks to be told no. just being honest. But I know by following the Lord, it's impossible to miss out! He has a little boy somewhere that is the perfect fit for our family, and I choose to trust in His sovereignty. I really don't understand how people can live without knowing the Lord personally and Jesus being the Lord of your life & Savior. I'm beyond thankful He saved me and that He sanctifies me daily. So even though this has all been just hard, the Lord has used it in my life to reveal His goodness, so I'm thankful. All Glory to Him!

And to lift the spirits just a little before ending, can we all just stop and look at how cute C is? He's going to make the best big brother. And I don't mean to be all braggy (or maybe I do, I don't care) but he's just the cutest. This whole toddler stage is just down right awesome. Talking, pointing, running, climbing, the whole nine yards. It all makes my heart burst. This is life lately around our place via my iphone.

This adoption journey has already taught me so much about the Lord and my sinfulness. It's been the best journey, bumps and all, and it's not even near over.& I'm extremely humbled and thankful for all of you who have commented or emailed or texted and said you are praying for us & our adoption. We are thankful. More than you know.

5 comments:

Kate Kubler said...

I've said what you said about not knowing how people do this life without God, so many times. I just can't imagine going through some of the bumps and hardships of this world without Him! I'm sorry that this didn't work out the way you wanted it to, but I think you are right about all of your logic-that sweet baby was meant for someone else and someone else was meant for your family! Praise God that HE works out all of those details so we don't have to! Praying for you.

Kate Kubler said...

so sorry about the bump in the road! it's always painful to put your heart on the line! but as I've been told, when you sign up for adoption or foster-to-adopt or fostering, you are signing up for heartbreak. and that's a difficult yet beautiful thing. if our hearts weren't broken it would mean we weren't emotionally investing in these kids! These kids are worth getting our hearts broken over. Still, that being said. SO>NOT>EASY. But I think you did the right thing and God will bless you abundantly more than you can ask or imagine.

Kate Kubler said...

Wow, can't imagine what that feels like. Just know we are continuing to hold you guys in prayer! Hoping you are feeling refreshed in God's presence this Christmas...I'm sure that baby boy is just around the corner!

Kate Kubler said...

You and your family are in my prayers, Katie. I honestly have no clue what you are join through nor do I have the right words to say, but the Lord is using you and your family's story in mighty ways. It has been a constant encouragement and blessing to follow your adoption journey posts. I always think about those who live without the hope of eternal life and it is always comforting to know that He provides in His time for us all, no matter our circumstances, pain, or desires. Hang tight, friend! I hope and pray you have a beautiful Christmas with C and your husband.

Kate Kubler said...

Hang in there, friend! God has a beautiful plan for your family!